insomnia...

my amazing mother


me, my bro, & momma

my baby bro

my amazing grandparents

my baby koa

my girls (minus ann)

my cali girl

ok, its seriously 5:33 am on the dot. i cant sleep. i NEVER can at night...since i got home from a loooong day at both jobs then going to the gym for 2 hours, all ive been doing is downloading songs. its actually all i can do nowdays with my DUI and all..in a way its kinda a good thing. i just watched greys anatomy episode 13 of the 5th season. i absolutely LOVE this show!! derek is actually about to propose to meredith (finally). this episode made me kinda sad actually coz ive realized ive been single for the last 2 1/2 years. guys have come and gone but no one has really swept me off of my feet. most of the time it was my fault for putting myself out there, but slowly learning my lesson. a few good catches have came along but like many girls, I ALWAYS seem to go for the "bad guys." I wonder if i'll ever find someone i can totally fall head-over-heels for. Well, when it comes down to it, whats the rush? AND, where the hell am i gonna find the time to be in a relationship? God, this should be the LEAST of my worries.

i dont know what sparked my "loneliness" feeling tonight. maybe it was looking at some pictures from back at home with my friends. maybe it was probably beacuse i have a lot of time to do some thinking. i REALLY miss them. its really hard to find people here in cali who i actually trust and who actually care about me. i have confided in only 1 friend here, katy who is also my manager. she sets me straight when im fkng up, she tells the truth, and always listens to my bullshit. I consider her one of my closest friends now and I'm thankful i have her as my closest friend here in cali. Back to my friends back in hawaii...i cannot stand looking at older pictures from home and thinking how things would be if i hadnt moved. im not regretting it or anything, i just wonder how different my life would be right now. i DO feel a sense of accomplishment and i know that this is a very good experience. I know that things will be just as i left it when i go back in july for my birthday. i miss my girls. kaimi, diane, ann, and courtney. they are the ones that keep me, ME. they are the ones who i can confide in with anything. theyre my D.A.B.s!!! we've been through a lot of shit, me with each one of them and i know they are true friends because they stuck with me through thick and thin.

as far as my family goes, this is the part that makes me the most sad. not being able to watch my brothers grow up. my older younger brother is literally growing up, hes like 6 feet tall now!! i cant pick on him now! and he has a girlfriend, how weird is that? and my baby brother jai jai...oh boy do i miss that kid. im so sad that im missing the best part of his growing up. hes gonna be 3 this year and right now his brain is like a sponge! everytime i talk to him he learns something new. my doggie/ baby koa is getting older too. i feel the worse for leaving him behind. i dont want him to "go" without me kissing him or holding him again. the most horrible part when i left was my mom when i first got here. she had told me, "it was like losing your dad, like you were gonna be gone forever." that hurt the most. she understands now its all for the experience and im learning everyday how to take care of myself and be a "grownup." although i havent been the closest to her, he has taught me so much and without her guidance with everything i wouldnt be able to stand on my own two feet. she has been so strong for me and my brother when my dad passed away that I give her so much props for raising us after he left. although i say i do everything for my dad, i really honestly do it to please my mom. im living my life because she had me so young and didnt get the chance to really experience life. and boy, am i "experiencing" life! I also really miss my grandparents. I dont want to be away from them too long because like everyone else, theyre getting older and i want those last years and moments with them. i want them to see me at my wedding or be there for me when i have my first child or when i FINALLY graduate from college-thats all they want for me, and i'll do it not only for them but for me. it was a goal for myself that i cannot let dissolve.

everything so far has been such a rollercoaster for me. every experience is to learn from and every person i meet is significant to my growth- no matter how good or bad of an influence they are to me- i learn from it. regret is like a foreign language to me. i dont regret a dam thing in my life. I remember things, good and bad and move on with life. I try to make everything in my life positive and try to look at everything in a positive light. when people see me down, they catch on and i dont like to carry bad energy. I believe that people send off vibes- good and bad and when theres one bad vibe, everybody feeds off of it and things turn out to be negative. I feel more at ease when i create that positive energy because it not only makes my day better but everyone elses better! Going back to the gym has not only made my body feel better but it helps me to clear my mind. Its my time away from the world and from people so i can blow off steam. listening to my ipod is something that realllly calms me down. it shakes off any stress i have and transforms the stress into energy. i can honestly say i LOVE the gym! its my daily "vacation!" writing this blog has also helped me to get things out of my system. its easier to get feelings out. thanks to Sweet D!! well thats my thougths for tonight...until then, Ciao!!